Did You Know I Live on a Farm?

Hey Eric,

Remember when I said that all the cords in my apartment looked like snakes to me and you said that after you had ants, every coffee ground looked like an ant? Look at this coffee ground.

I haven’t seen a snake in 2 weeks, but late last week I discovered I had a few hundred extra roommates and when they started trying to crawl into bed with me I drew the line. I went out and bought them some of these fancy ant discos and put them around.

I’m not really sure how these things work because I object to reading directions, let alone following them. What I would like to believe is that the ant discos are filled with deadly ant STDs and the ants go out to the disco, behave promiscuously, and then when they get back to the colony, they spread it around some more. Ants are busy like that and they don’t know anything about prophylactics. These discos are so potent, they promise death within 24 hours. That’s better than some mass murderers.

If this isn’t how the ant discos actually work, you can keep that to yourself. I like my version.

When I returned from my weekly escape to the big city I found a few chaste ants still around but they had the pleasure of meeting the bottom of my shoe and the ant infestation is under control. I’m blaming it all on you, Eric. I don’t want you to share any more “That’s like when we had….” stories. Next thing you know I’ll have wolverines crawling out my closets and opossums in my oven.

Oh, and one more thing for everybody: I’m not a tranny. Don’t believe the ads, and if you’d please stop spreading those rumors, I’d appreciate it.