Perhaps in the past few weeks amid the debates, TV commercials, and rhetoric about this and that you’ve lost sight of the real issue at hand in the presidential elections that are fast approaching. What issue is that, you ask? What celebrity is endorsing which candidate, duh, because we all know it’s that kind of star power that gets you elected.
Now unless you’ve been living under a mountain of empty cans of Schlitz for the past 6 months you must know by now that ultimate defender of justice in Texas, Walker Texas Ranger, has picked Mikey, I wear Nike, Huckabee to endorse. That’s pretty badass, no? Chuck Norris actually took a break from roundhouse kicking villains back into the twentieth century to endorse the governor of Arkansas.
Well Huckabee isn’t the only one with an action movie star backing him up though. When Chuck Norris had some negative things to say about Johnny, Not related to Yanni,(1) McCain, Rocky stepped up and endorsed McCain. That’s right, McCain actually retorted to Norris’s statement by saying he’d send Sly over to take care of Norris. Pure Genius, but it hasn’t stop there.
Just today I read on CNN’s website that none other than the Hulkster has endorsed Barack, doesn’t use chalk, Obama. Yeah, for real, the steroid using, reality TV star that, from what I hear, narrowly missed out on endorsing the Hulk Hogan Grill that we know as the George Foreman Grilling Machine. See how this is shaping up?
Huckabee actually has another heavyweight in his corner with an endorsement by “The Nature Boy,” Ric Flair. I can’t forget to mention Ted Nugent, musician and gun-lover who has chosen to back Mikey too. Lest I forget to mention that today McCain got the endorsement of the governator too – that’s like two normal endorsements I think.
It is also probably worth mentioning that action movie star Chris Tucker and entertainer Usher both back Obama. One more Obama supporter you probably weren’t aware of, Oprah. What? You heard about that? Perhaps my favorite endorsement, however, is one for Hillary, I wish I owned a distillery,(2) Clinton. Legendary rap star 50 Cent has stepped up to endorse her. I kid you not.
So what, then, do you do when you have all these superstars endorsing candidates? I propose a celebrity death match – winner take all. That would be better than the Superbowl and the Triple Crown combined. Can’t you just imagine it? I’d propose a Tag Team format where only one celebrity can be in the match per candidate at any time. Seeing the Hulk, Sylvester Stallone, Chuck Norris and 50 Cent fight it out would be one of the most amazing things in history. As for candidates without big celebrity endorsements like those listed above, they still have time.
I’m not going to go so far as to make predictions on who’d win, but I know it would be an awesome fight to watch. Really, how would you rather elect a president? Go vote, or see their respective celebrity endorsers battle it out to the death in the ring. I rest my case.
(1) Interestingly, I’ve been told that only in the US will Yanni rhyme with Johnny because the rest of the world talks like pirates and they insert some R’s in there so it’s more like YaRRRni. Just ask Willowtree.
(2) That’s a personal thing – I wish I owned a distillery, I don’t think Hillary is really interested.