Better Living with Dirty Uncle Mark: Insect Repellent.
It's been a long time since I've brought you an installment of Better Living with Dirty Uncle Mark. There's been too much doom and gloom on this blog lately so today, as we enter the final lap of summer that's quite literally swarming with mosquitoes and other hostile insects, I bring you Dirty Uncle Mark's recommendations for Insect Repellent.
First, how do you think you say that name? There's no Y so I really can't argue for Stay Away. I think this is one of those words those rappers use to rhyme with. That Kanye West guy could say it properly I bet.
Next, notice that this was developed in cooperation with the Entomology Department of a "Leading University." Superb. My bet is that had a lot to do with the pleasant odor, because bugs hate pleasant odors. Oh, and it "will not injure your skin." Again, that's because they worked with entomologists, not dermatologists.
You may have noticed that Eveready Formula No. 612 was so top secret they don't even offer the ingredients. For those of you nervous pervous types, Sta-way even tells you what the inert ingredients are: alcohol and corn oil. Huh? What about the active ingredients? Top Secret. Come on, people. Those are called trade secrets.
Let's go ahead and take a look at the back label.
For External Use only, huh? So can I drink it? I mean, it's so pretty, and it's got alcohol in it. That second warning only means good things: "KEEP AWAY FROM OPEN FLAME." Notice the all caps? This stuff is so good, it will ignite mosquitoes that do bite you. Just keep a lighter handy so you can light them up like fire-flies as they try to buzz away.
The longer warning is even better:
When I was a child there was a debate raging and lots of fear instilled among the people of the lands that DEET was going to kill us all or make us grow a third nipple or something. At one point, I seem to recall the shelves being cleared of the toxin. Now it's back, but I'm here to tell you, DEET is for sissies.
Let me present my first recommendation: Eveready Insect Repellent Formula No. 612
These people may make batteries now, but they learned a thing or two about how to make batteries from making insect repellent first. Now you might be wondering, "What about formulas one through six-hundred and eleven?" They sucked. Plain and simple. Formula number 612 was the pinnacle of Eveready Insect Repellent production.
Let me draw your attention to the label. This stuff is so potent that you only reapply about one-half the amount you originally applied. That is assuming you still have skin left after you applied it. I suspect this is what they make batteries out of.
Just above that statement is the warning: "Do not apply to mouth, eyes or forehead just above eyebrows." That is because this stuff works so well it will melt your brain if you put it on your forehead. Spectacular stuff. This is the insect repellent that men with hairy chests and deep voices use.
Maybe you're not a fan of the Eveready company. You may have spent too much on their batteries and have a grudge or something. Maybe your grandma fell into a vat of battery acid at the Eveready battery factory. I don't know, but for you, I have a spectacular alternative!
My second recommendation is the aptly named: Sta-way™ Insect Repellent Lotion
First, how do you think you say that name? There's no Y so I really can't argue for Stay Away. I think this is one of those words those rappers use to rhyme with. That Kanye West guy could say it properly I bet.
Next, notice that this was developed in cooperation with the Entomology Department of a "Leading University." Superb. My bet is that had a lot to do with the pleasant odor, because bugs hate pleasant odors. Oh, and it "will not injure your skin." Again, that's because they worked with entomologists, not dermatologists.
You may have noticed that Eveready Formula No. 612 was so top secret they don't even offer the ingredients. For those of you nervous pervous types, Sta-way even tells you what the inert ingredients are: alcohol and corn oil. Huh? What about the active ingredients? Top Secret. Come on, people. Those are called trade secrets.
Let's go ahead and take a look at the back label.
For External Use only, huh? So can I drink it? I mean, it's so pretty, and it's got alcohol in it. That second warning only means good things: "KEEP AWAY FROM OPEN FLAME." Notice the all caps? This stuff is so good, it will ignite mosquitoes that do bite you. Just keep a lighter handy so you can light them up like fire-flies as they try to buzz away.
The longer warning is even better:
"Sta-way" Lotion should not touch Nail Polish, Painted or Varnished Surfaces, or Plastic Eye Glass Frames, as it will dissolve them. Do not stand bottle on Painted or Varnished surfaces."
Let me just be honest with you. Keep this stuff in the garage. It's just too potent to keep in the house or it's liable to burn a hole right through your medicine cabinet, the floor and maybe even the foundation of the house.
I think the small amount that has been used from this bottle speaks to the effectiveness. You don't go re-applying this stuff more than once a month. Also, it says to "Read all instructions in booklet and on labels before using." The booklet they are referencing is the back label that appears to fold out into a several pane pamphlet that I suspect explains the painful and horrendous effects this stuff has on the insects it will defend you against. I say that I suspect, because it's never been opened, and who am I to break the seal?
In writing this post, I wanted to track down sources of these two miracle insect repellents so you, too, can have them in your home (or garage for the Sta-way). Eveready has completely wiped the internet clean of their insect repellent past. Nothing on the internet existed about Eveready making Formula No. 612 Insect Repellent until now. You're welcome Internet.
On the other hand, I did manage to trackdown one reference to Sta-way in book on Insect Repellents. Google Books wouldn't let me see it all, but I did learn that it contains diethylene glycol monobutyl ether and its acetate. For those of you who don't speak chemical geek (I do) that means it will melt your skin, give your offspring 3 arms, make you go crazy and destroy your kidneys. I'm not kidding. Google it yourself.
Additionally, someone on Ebay has an advertisement for Sta-Way, so I was able to discover its approximate age: 69 years old.
(image courtesy woods_elf - ebay seller)
From now on, I'm calling all giant talking mosquitoes "Nellie." I'd venture to guess that those sportsmen that "swear" by it have died horrible subsequent deaths albeit without mosquito bites.
Hopefully you've found this to be another beneficial installment of Better Living with Dirty Uncle Mark. You may have laughed at how ignorant the people of yesteryear were in their impetuous use of hazardous chemicals, but take a look around your own house and contemplate what we use today that bloggers 69 years from now will be laughing about. Dirty Uncle Mark - Out.
Another brilliant installment of Better Living with DUM!
hee hee. you said 69.
Whoo, man! That stuff looks awesome!
I am the evil person who would have NO patience, and would totally get a razor blade and open that folding pamphlet!! I'm a rebellious seal-breaker.
I didn't realize how much I had missed these better living segments until you posted this one. That Sta-Away stuff looks very frightening. However, considering we used to let kids ride belt-less in the front seat of moving vehicles, I'm not surprised it exists!
Awesome post...what a memory. I clearly remember these two bottles in the medicine cabinet at the lake. Can't believe this stuff was out 7 years before I was born! Now to explain why they weren't used up-my dad said our family blood line is to ornery to be bitten by insects. Must be true if these two items still exist and I really don't recall any summer insect bites at the lake. Sure glad none of it was used on DUM. Do you suppose the insects knew we had a concealed weapon?!? Maybe all the mosquitoes headed to Minnesota to become their state bird?! Happy rest of the summer to all.
The Eveready contained metabolic acid. It's a diluted solution of the same stuff that melted through several decks in the first Alien movie. The mosquitoes have trouble with open wounds as they don't really have lapping tongues and they hate that 'straw in a nearly empty cup' sound associated with sucking blood from open wounds. Really resonates in their heads.
Thanks for sharing the wonders of these miracle poisons with the internets!
LOL! And great post!
Fishermen around here swear by Avon's Skin So Soft lotion for keeping mosquitoes away.
So is that the reference for "Whoa, Nellie!!" As in, "Hey, Nellie, time to stop for some snack-shun! I smell nothing that will melt our brains."
Or something like that.